That's A Bit Rich!

According to David Cameron, in a speech yesterday in Kent debating ideas for a welfare reform before the Torie’s produced their manifesto for the next general election, the UK benefit system has gone ‘truly awry’ or ‘down the shitters’ (Source- Cameron’s pre-finalized edition of his speech). Why? Apparently ‘millions of working-age people were sitting at home on benefits from the taxpayer even before the recession hit’ which gives David Cameron and his MP’s more in common with millions of said people than he realizes, for the only difference is that much of the government were sitting at home on UK taxpayer’s benefits before AND after the recession hit. That’s a bit rich coming from you Cammers!

Meanwhile Labour are planning a Robin Hood-esque ‘steal from the rich and give to the poor’ operation (mainly from D-Cam’s personal funds reportedly) to try and provide a U turn to the proposals. However there’s only one main problematic factor with that suggestion… Ed Miliband in tights.

It also seems that  David 'Durex' Cameron has gone all Condom-servative with his range of new contraception in a bid to stop the unemployed from ‘breeding’ which is currently in development. More to be heard from the ‘Don’t Be A Fool, Cover Your Tool’ campaign movement.

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Twitter A Fail Whale?

Long established Twitter users will remember the ‘fail whale’ image that appeared on users’ screens when Twitter was currently inaccessible. Lately however it seems that Twitter seemed to be living up to that very same fail whale image due to being taken offline by a ‘cascading bug’ on Thursday morning between the hours of 10am-12pm GMT.

Twitter’s renowned ‘flaky reliability’ issues ultimately affected and sparked complaints from over 175million of the micro-blogging service’s registered users and, despite Twitter’s disrepute of hacker claims, the ‘cascading bug’ could may well have been a metaphor for social network rival, Mark Zuckerberg, who reportedly requested all of his departmental staff to each create multiple Twitter accounts throughout the day to cause an inevitable overload, in a supposed ‘team building exercise’.

The cause for this rivalry may be clear as increasing amounts of Facebook users appear to be emigrating away from Facebook and FarmVille requests in favour of a more private community that proves to be a sanctuary when it comes to avoiding those annoyances featured on Facebook friends list who never fail to pop up at most inconveniencing times.

Twitter sources explained that the detrimental bug ‘isn’t confined to a particular software element but ‘cascades’ into other elements as well’, surely suggesting that the Twitter wars aren’t over yet. Is anyone else experiencing an overwhelming déjà-vu of school girl style A+ bitchery?! 

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'Maggie'll Have Something To Say About That!'

Following David Cameron’s most recent U-turn, referring not to politics but instead to Cameron’s humiliating and highly criticized neglect of his 8 year old daughter while out on a pub visit (had one too many did you Cammers?), the embarrassed PM has since tried to sweep that unfortunate mishap under the nation’s carpet by convincing the country that the government does care about Britain’s young ‘uns.

This proposal entails the government’s motion of refusal to cut free nursery milk to under 5’s but instead has committed to cutting the exponentially rising costs of the freely supplied dairy produce faced by the budget. Despite Cameron’s attempts to ‘turn a blind eye’ to the bad publicity of the ‘daddy and daughter duo pub crawl’ event, it is unlikely that Britain’s younger generation will reciprocate the government’s ‘care’ due to the steepened sum of 9 grand for uni fees and the Tories’ attempt at abolishing free school meals for the nation’s poorest kids thrust upon them earlier in Cameron’s reign.

Recent studies have proven that  should infants consume a daily intake of milk and cheese, it is consequently more likely that the increased calcium could guarantee them an extended lifetime and potentially cut mortality by a quarter. Perhaps our PM is hoping that supplying our young with dairy products shall increase his ‘lifetime’ in control of the country, not to mention the extra taxes the government could pocket!

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