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Thursday, 29 March 2012

Cameron Fuels Arsonists On Latest Outreach Venture

Despite the infamous quote published on World War 2 propaganda posters by the British government in 1939 advising Britons to ‘Keep Calm & Carry On’, this counsel evidently did not adhere to No 10 as a shambolic ministerial statement encouraging drivers to remain fueled up and ‘to fill up a jerrycan or two’. Looks like the British government just jumped from the frying pan directly into the fire (ignited by arsonists with their spare jerrycans).Warnings to David Cameron, Labour’ll have you up like Guy Fawkes on the 5th of November!

The Royal Family have no concerns over the potential future fuel shortage however, Liz has already lined up her horse and carriage (famously used in Prince William and the Duchess Kate’s wedding and prior to that, Harry and Wills’ mother, Princess Diana) to take extra heed and precaution against the absurdity of no available power to transport Her Majesty to the local off-license to stock up on the Royal gin. ‘One should attempt to re-gain some of one’s limelight from [*cough* Peasant *cough*] Kate from the previous annum.’

Meanwhile in stock rates, the demand for petrol and diesel is higher, and indeed almost more expensive than that of gold dust. Due to the proposed shortage in fuel, the Commons' emergency Cobra team are talking through the intentions of providing excess liposuction fatty deposit fluids to fuel-less drivers. 'If chip fat works...'

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

(Hair) Donors for Cameron Revealed.

David Cameron has today revealed the full extent of his donor list, announcing a few of the members he’s wined and dined with ‘above shop’ (assumedly neglecting those mid-week drunken No 10 prime ministerial ‘raves’ when Samantha briefly retreats elsewhere).

Many sources, also constituting the controversial TV personality and talk show host, Jonathon Ross, seemingly misunderstood the donor program and rather than a requested donation of vast monetary value, instead generously offered to treat Cameron’s ever-receding hair line through transplant or wig should Dave require a spot of grooming.

Gordon Ramsay, having participated in the Daily Mirror’s aptly described ‘Come Dine With Dave’  experience, scored Cameron a pitiful five out of ten possible points for his culinary talents, stating that the ‘Lidl branded microwaveable casserole had a ‘* remarked * resemblance to that of * dog * food’ (* representing Tourette-like ever frequent cursing omissions.)

Nick Clegg is likewise set to follow suit in releasing his dinner party guests which inevitably wholly consist of his Mum, yet he’s nevertheless releasing his list so that people perceive him as ‘important’ and so that Cameron doesn’t steal all of the limelight… Popcorn buckets at the ready as increased inter-coalition general political bitchiness is cued to ensue.

 Meanwhile, the Queen was reported to have chipped in a tenner (via ‘I O U’) in response to the Cash For Cameron fundraiser.

Monday, 26 March 2012

Osborne Plans To Raid 'Toys R Us' For MP's In 2013 Budget

George Osborne revealed a belated Budget request today, nominating that money taken from pensioners is to be spent on providing all 650 MP’s with brand sparkling new Apple IPad 3’s as their ‘basic’ technological resources are deemed ‘depleted’ as MP’s have to cope with destitute scenarios of only been provided with 5 computer systems by the taxpayer. Those thousands of homeless people don’t know the definition of squalor, according to the Tories anyway. We’ll be joining forces with the Americans next in delivering Mark Zuckerberg’s request for a new set up and personal broadband mast as the signal ‘ain’t half slow round here y’know’.

The reasoning behind the Tories’ suggestion is allegedly so that David Cameron can once more satisfy his spiraling ‘Angry Birds’ addiction (click here for aforementioned turbulence) and so that MP’s can connect to play viral number one app, ‘Draw Something’, where one player has to guess what the other is drawing, collectively throughout the Commons when Ed Miliband starts shouting and issues annoying attempts to launch yet another independent investigation into Tory methods.

Either Sir Alan Haselhurst, Chairman of the Committee drastically failed GCSE Maths while at school or the Commons genuinely do use half a rainforest value of stationary, but generally kitting 650 members out with iPads in addition to monthly data charges for each unit calculating at close to half a million pounds of taxpayer’s money does not suggest itself as the budget alternative to two lots of 500 packet ‘Staple’s’ own brand A4 paper, costing a maximum of £5.00 per meet. It seems then, that poor Haselhurst (possibly due to increasing age) vastly and simultaneously humiliatingly miscalculated his workings out. Good job he didn’t apply for Peter Cruddas’ vacant role as Treasurer, what a disaster that would have been!  

Meanwhile, early plans for the 2013 Budget have re-surfaced with Osborne proposing a remote controlled car to be issued to every MP as part of their well deserved ‘leisure time’. 

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Prime Minister's 'Rent-A-Friend' Structure Backfires

Former Tory Treasurer Peter Crudas was denounced by PM David Cameron today to ‘Crud-ass’ following the revengeful exposure by Murdoch’s ‘Sunday Times’, exclusively broadcasting Pete’s pathetic attempts to join the Cameron Crew by discharging hefty sums to wine and dine and eventually secure a role as Treasurer as a reward for ‘spending his own money so wisely’.

The subtle footage shot and posted on the newspaper’s website outlines the Tory’s new approach to fundraising methods, to which they allegedly received no offers sparing one from ex-Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown, mistakenly applying for a role as caretaker.  Futile efforts essentially establish that that the Tories’ wiser option could have been by targeting a wider market with an innocent car wash or classic car boot sale to raise Party funds, regardless of Dave’s prestigious Eton education.

Osborne and Cameron may have played tactically on Budget day, expecting an elite monetary reward in form of political donation compensating for wealthy favourable top rate 5% tax cuts, however on the other hand it could just as well have been due to declining popularity and recent jibes from Labour Leader ‘bully’ Miliband that forced the controversy laden pair to issue ‘rent-a-friend’ advertisements at £250k a pop.

Ed Miliband wasted no time and jumped on the accusatory bandwagon, proposing the second investigation of the week (first following the Budget leak scandal on Thursday) and it certainly seems like Britain may just have acquired another Sherlock Holmes. It’s almost disappointing that the Lib Dems decided not to form a bond with Labour as Nick Clegg would have, in my opinion, made a fitting sidekick as Watson.

No matter how scandalous the whole affair may be perceived to be, there’s no denying the entrepreneurial spirit from the Conservatives, however if I were buying government policies at a quarter of a million GBP sterling, I’d certainly want a ‘buy one get one free’ sales offer for the best possible value for money – after all, there is a British recession!

Meanwhile, David Cameron has been sighted sat in various public hotspots throughout London armed with blankets, an empty coffee-stained polystyrene cup laid before him and an improvisational placard reading ‘Cash For Cameron?’

Thursday, 22 March 2012

'Phil, one wishes to acquire a pet butler'

In the wake of George Osborne’s controversy laden 45p decreased  top rate tax proposals in which he claims that he supposedly does not benefit from ( a statement proven to be of irrelevance, as he most definitely claims tax back via expenses regardless), the Royal Family meanwhile certainly decided to put the money saved to good use today by job advertising for a new staff member to carry out royal errands, including blocking phone calls from the Duchess Fergie and Prince Charles in case he eagerly happens to suggest that ‘one should maybe resign as one is seeming to, I daresay, hog the crown’. Of course the majority of the British Public know that a complex persuasive case of reverse psychology or a media-glamorized sex scandal is needed for that ‘ridiculous’ motion to happen.

Amid the 775 various rooms filled with assorted antiquities, Victorian era (approx) heads stolen from the Tower of London and royal heirlooms, the novice butler is assured that ‘adequate room will be found’ for his yearly duration in infamous party hotspot, Buckingham Palace. This is reported to be a small-to-medium sized former store cupboard as ‘peasant’ fingerprints are said to be forbidden in more prestigious rooms, ‘which happens to be just about all of them’. Even newlywed Kate had to wait ten years to see the royal throne room (no innuendo intended).

During this very honourable role, the butler will get to witness Liz sans makeup, meadow-coloured dresses, teeth and proper accent which collectively convey a slight resemblance to reality TV star, Susan Boyle. Of course, unlimited unofficial momentos scattered about the Palace are at staff fingertips evoking multiple item listings on auction site eBay for gold threaded ‘Royal Bog Roll’ and stuffed corgi’s depicting the timeline for the duration of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Budget Banter (2012 Edition)

George Osborne delivered his anxiously awaited 2012 Budget plans earlier today, consequently evoking praise from PM David Cameron as he delivered his statement simultaneously with 'pet' puppy dog Nick Clegg which essentially stated that it was a budget that 'every liberal could be proud of'. Following this, Ed Miliband kindly passed Dave a dictionary after the officials so as to ensure that he could never again embarrassingly confuse the definition of 'liberal' with that of 'wealthy'. What exactly did Oxford teach you Cameron?

The primary controversial subject that ensued from Osborne's budget was the proposal of diminishing the 50p top tax rate by 5% to 45p which subsequently would 'only cost the Treasury £100 million, which is comparatively little against the current MP expense claims'.

If it is generally judged by society as morally wrong to 'steal candy from a baby' as it were, it is clear that Osborne's accumulated petty grudges regarding all of those unnecessary 'Elderly prioritised' bus seats, mobility scooter tankers and early bird exclusive swimming sessions have now somewhat been deemed, in George's mind, as justifiable to steal from pensioners instead. I suppose they had it coming really.

The Tories surprisingly revealed their guilty pleasure and political inspiration source while delivering the adjusted quote, 'We are all in it together', originally from 2006 Disney pre-teen blockbuster, 'High School Musical'. Wishful thinking required Cameron and Clegg to burst out into apparent 'spontaneous' song and dance routine in the midst of the Cabinet. It should be addressed however, that if the Tories plan to go down the Disney movie route to aid brainstorming their 'smart things to say' checklist it may become increasingly noticeable if, in event of Conservative downfall in the next General Election, Cameron states that it is due to the 'circle of life' and the unfortunate fact that it happens to 'move us all'.

Meanwhile, Ed Miliband announced his debut album entitled 'Granny Tax' which is reported to feature exclusive nasal interviews.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

The End Of A GAME-ing Era?

After an 11% fall in share prices on Friday (according to and the GAME company issuing letters to customers detailing local impending store closures, it could be assumed that the company isn’t far from GAME-over.

The drastic fall in company shares comes after both company stores (GAME and GameStation) pulled from stocking one of the most highly anticipated 2012 releases, Mass Effect 3, and refunding pre-order consumers, directing them to buy elsewhere. This ensued a string of gaming developers including Nintendo, EA and Capcom to pull some of their upcoming releases from the retailer’s grasp, for example Mario Party 9, Street Fighter x Tekken, Kid Icarus for Nintendo’s unveiled 3DS and the third installment to the acclaimed Ninja Gaiden series. After asking staff from a branch of GAME, they concluded that the ultimate blow was their monetary ability to buy from major leading global game developer Microsoft, and their unwillingness to negotiate in terms of buying price.

It’s not too hard to envision the problem, as GAME’s business model is structured so that traded in ‘preowned’ games are the company’s richest profit-spinning component due to the notoriously poor trade-in cash and in-store exchange values dealt to potential exchangers. This means that less profit is made out of newly bought games and so the need to barter for the cheapest amounts to then sell on is paramount to the company ensuring minimum losses. If corporations such as Microsoft are not willing to negotiate, coupled with the possibility that gamers can find better trade in deals for their unwanted titles and so trade in elsewhere, means that ultimately GAME will lose out on pre-owned profits and fall down on higher buying prices and the future does not bode well with some rumours stating that there is an impending 2 weeks deadline for the company to turn themselves around.

A statement issued from GAME previously in February stated that 35 store closures from their current 610 UK outlets would take place by the 24th March and that 60 more closures are due before the year is out. Many of the current 10,000 staff employed regionally are expecting redundancies, consequently furthering the UK’s problematic unemployment rates.
Another aspect of the downfall of the UK’s leading gaming retailer could well be partially due to the rise of internet shopping. Consumer reports during the Christmas period described how internet purchases had reached their all time high due to the population having less money to spend and therefore the consequent need to scour for the best possible deal which may have essentially proved tragic to GAME Company.

In conclusion, although there is major uncertainty over the meanwhile lasting duration and even the ultimate survival of the company, it will prove to be a major loss and a gaping hole in the gaming high street market despite the fact that there have been mixed opinions regarding the company as a whole and their tactics during their entire lifespan. Amidst the uncertainty, it definitely looks like GAME are preparing for the worst, and every visit into the store rings a reminder by staff to use up accumulated loyalty points, ‘just in case’. It’s unfortunate that it is partially due to the unloyalty of customers and suppliers alike that is leading to the rapid decline of GAME and Gamestation.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Cameron Haters Stay Back (Obama's On Side)

David Cameron has arrived in Washington for a three-day visit to US president Barack Obama’s headquarters after an interminable course of opposition to highly controversial coalition decisions, including the proposed NHS overturn. The agenda of the visit has been reported to primarily consist of rounds of the ever time devouring board game classic, ‘Monopoly’ as both parts intend to reminisce on international relationships and engage in political ‘bitching’ sessions regarding certain unfavorable members of the UN, interjected with frequent discussions devoted to reassuring and counseling Cameron in regard to his ruthless opposition, an experience that definitely isn’t a revelation to America’s first black president.

Other highlights from the leaders’ itinerary feature a reposed basketball game situated in Ohio, Cameron experiencing a glimpse of ‘the high life’ while lounging in luxurious presidential plane,’ Air Force One’, with a transient  utterance regarding Afghan troops that appears to be almost dutiful as Obama has already specified  that there is apparently no ‘rush for the exits’.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

David Cameron 'An Angry Bird'?

At the end of a stressful day of meetings at work you might expect UK Tory Prime Minister, David Cameron, to embrace a soothing massage from wife Samantha, or kick back in front of the television with a Rich Tea admiring his appearance in a news bulletin. This is not the case however as David Cameron surprisingly admitted yesterday during some light hearted enquiries that he actually finds refuge in the hugely popular smartphone application, ‘Angry Birds’.

Cameron may well have found a recipe for stress success as he envisions tossing bird-shaped Nick Cleggs at opposing activists seeking a call for the coalition to drop its overhaul of the NHS in England on the catchpenny 69p bargain software (which Cameron later claimed back as ‘expenses’), however experts fear that there is nothing ‘light-hearted’ about Cameron’s self confessed ‘addiction’ and an insider source described the PM’s wavering concentration during private meetings and Parliament as a direct result of his gaming.

All sympathies must lie with deputy Lib Dem Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, as he has been finding it increasingly embarrassing when out in public with Cameron, who has a fond habit of responding ‘I wish somebody would throw an Angry Bird at you’ to any opposition or deemed ‘annoying’ members of the general public. These Tourette’s-like outbursts are reported to be similar to the ones suffered by ex- Labour Prime Minister, Gordon Brown after his ‘bigoted woman’ slur back in 2010.

Cameron is reported to be undergoing private rehabilitation for his addiction.

Poke Wars 'Biggest Threat' To Forces

The US Army recently issued a warning foreboding soldiers regarding the poisonous chokehold of social networking site, Facebook, which has approximately 845 million worldwide victims to date. The warnings stated how, once registered, members would be continually harassed with ‘pokes’ and prods from people they vaguely remember meeting once in the queue for the local ‘Hole-in-the-wall’ ATM but suddenly claim that they are a ‘friend’, consequently beleaguering newsfeeds with Farmville and alternative unwanted virtual gaming requests. Users will continuously refresh the home page every couple of minutes in an entranced, seemingly unbreakable cycle, waiting in anticipation for the imminent inevitably grammatically incorrect statuses of members consistently using incorrect versions of ‘they’re, their and there’ where appropriate.

More than one million mobile phone users in the United States now use smartphones, according to a study published this week by Comscore, a market research firm. The British Army, however, has banned the use of all mobile phones due to the compulsion to log into social networking sites such as Facebook, not just due to the geo-tagging location facility that could potentially give away soldiers’ locations, but primarily due to the fact that a ‘poke war’ may ensue among the forces, and ‘that kind of thing may be used to an enemy’s advantage to weaken their spirit’ insighted Daniel Sherman of defence think tank Royal United Services Institute.

Thursday, 8 March 2012

'With Tiffany's on speed dial, one can positively outdo a certain Jay-Z fellow'

Cheering crowds waving Union Jacks have greeted Queen Elizabeth II in Leicester to mark the start of Her Majesty’s highly anticipated ‘Queen Of Diamonds’ Jubilee Tour around many inner-city precincts and selected arenas. An insider source has teased fans, promising that after a hard week brainstorming the order of show with special guest opening act Prince Philip, with a bottle of gin in hand no doubt, eagerly awaited covers of Kanye West’s Grammy attaining song ‘Diamonds From Sierra Leone’ and Diamond Dog’s ‘InThe Church’ have been confirmed to both feature on the setlist and the Queen has specifically ordered her fandom that they ‘must turn one’s swag on’ as she gulped down her mid-morning brandy.

When asked about her outfits for her forthcoming tour, amid many guessing attempts by the media all over the world, much like the Duke and Duchess’ wedding last April it has been carefully laid under wraps with the only teaser given by Her Royal Highness herself promising, ‘When one has the power of a personal assistant and the Windsor family HSBC Platinum plated debit card, one can choose to wear as much ‘bling- bling’ as one would so wish.’

The last public sighting of the Her Majesty was by onlookers outside the Leicester Theatre as she was spotted embracing her entrepreneurial spirit by flogging discounted, cheaply duplicated tour merchandise spread out on a woolen rug to members of the passing public.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Mark Zuckerberg calls Team Deathmatch

The social networking platform Facebook, which hosts approximately 850 million unproductive ‘soon-to-be-fired’ office workers from around the globe disconnected for two whole hours earlier this morning as Mark Zuckerberg wished to eliminate the annoyance of lag from his well-deserved game of Call Of Duty Team Deathmatch online multiplayer game with ‘the lads’ as he had especially plugged in his dust-topped first generation Xbox 360 Arcade (after all- ‘there’s no real monetary benefits in upgrading to a 250GB harddrive when a 256MB memory stick is perfectly adequate enough’). Zuckerberg decided to cover up his leisure pursuit with a half-hearted yet totally believable excuse filed under ‘technical issues’ that Twitter users found incredibly easy to swallow, given Facebook’s incompetency of lasting a week sans glitches.

The Twitter lads took this as an opportunity to poke fun at Facebook’s temporary downfall, trending #FacebookDown as perhaps a premature victory chant at the fact that they managed to beat Zuckerberg at his own game (of CoD). However, Zuckerberg’s mum didn’t seem too impressed with Twitter’s gloating and forebode that she would ‘get involved’ if the microblogging site didn’t ‘pipe down’.

There has been no word from Twitter since.